One year later

Almost one year has passed since my mom's death. Just over 11 months. Eleven months? It could be eleven days for the fresh sting or it could be eleven years from the numbness.
In the first weeks, and even some months, following her death, I had to actively remind myself she was gone.

Our first moose-ears

They day we found out Knish was going to be a girl, I was going to call her. In fact I reached for my phone and got all the way into my favorites list before I had to remind myself: she's not there. I suppose she knew already that news.

I felt it again as the holidays approached, though not in the same sting you might think. Thanksgiving had been hit or miss as a family holiday since I was in high school and a USY retreat met over the holiday every year. And unless Hanukkah fell late, I hadn't consistently celebrated that at home since I left for college (although last year I did get to celebrate with mom since she stayed with me after my tonsil surgery). Until we got to New Years. New baby body and no mom to help play fashion police. Small budget, big ideas, and lots of angst - and wasn't there to trade shopping links on our chat app. Her friends helped and I found an option. But the party was hard. A cloud hung over it (maybe it was just over me) and after midnight I cried the rest of the night. She was supposed to be there. 

The baby still came without my mom there to help. Other family helped. I was still supported and fed and someone could hold the baby while I peed. But she was supposed to be there.

I have been sick and missed her the most. I am making a job transition and have questioned every step - many conversations would have been run by her. Would she like the house? Does she like the baby's name? Does this top go with this skirt? What are you making for dinner - I'm hungry. The big and the little. She has missed it all. We have missed her.

This weekend we will unveil the headstone. Our final step in the grieving process. The first year of holidays and birthdays have passed. And there will be big holidays where we will miss her - but new traditions will blur the past and the excitement will still come. Turkey will always be turkey at Thanksgiving, even without mom. But it's the little moments where I feel her absence the most. Getting our nails done together. Somone to whine to (or wine with). Our cruise director, fashion police, and care taker.

The first year is done but there will be many more years. Harder for different reasons. And with every new phase with the baby will leave me missing her afresh - countless new firsts that Mom will always miss.

Mayim Bialik shared this poem at her own father's unveiling last month and I found it very moving.

Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep (Mary Frye, 1932)
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Bumpdate - 2 weeks post delivery

It finally happened. At 9 days after our due date, our little girl finally joined us.I have debated on sharing our "birth story", and while I won't now, I haven't fully decided if I will yet. It was exciting, though!

Knish joined us at 9 lbs 11 oz (at least a pound larger than the OB was estimating while I was in labor) and 21.5 inches long (this is about what Hubs and I were expecting - lots of long babes in our families). Complete with a full head of hair (that shocked us both!). She is beautiful, and we are learning about each other.

I sit and write as Hubs is taking the evening shift on a particularly rough day. She and I have both cried our fair share today. We are both clean, fed, and napped, so we're quite sure what all the angst is about. But until today, she was making this whole thing a big easy on me. She latches easily and nurses efficiently. She's an excellent napper. And (at least until today) she wasn't a big yeller - she would patiently fuss until she was fed. Nighttime is a struggle (as with any newborn) - and we bounce between nights where she's up every 1.5 hr to 4 hrs.

I thought I'd share some of my favorite things over the last two weeks that have helped me. And surprisingly enough, none of them is coffee (after 9 months off the juice, it really disrupts my nap time!).

(1) Maternity Leggings
 
I have not packed these babies up yet. For those who have never had kids, you may be surprised to learn that most women do not leave the hospital being able to fit into their pre-pregnancy clothes (this was a big shock to me). And while I am only 11 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight, I have not ventured into any of my pre-pregnancy clothing. For starters - I have all these great, comfy maternity clothes I can still fit. I have two pair of the Target black maternity leggings and I love them. Every day, I hop into those, a nursing cami, and a sweater. I'm dressed for the day! If I need to leave the apartment, I just through on some boots (which thankfully fit again), and I look "put together" (I was actually told that. What? Weird.

(2) Lansinoh Lanolin and Nipple Pads

I love this stuff. Someone on my mommy board mentioned that you can start putting the Lanolin on nightly about 3-4 weeks before your due date, which will help with the suppleness of your skin and help prevent cracking/bleeding as your wee one and you learn breastfeeding. Well I did that and I have to say that I have not had any bleeding, and I only had one sore that healed quickly. This stuff is amazing. I don't quite make it on every day anymore, but I try to before bed most nights. 
This brand of pads is great. They stick on and last the better part of a day. I haven't tried many other brands, but I like these better than the Medela ones that came with my pump. 

(3) Dermoplast

Without going into too much detail, I think we can all safely agree that pushing a watermelon out of one's vajay is not a delicate process. Yadda yadda yadda, sore. Yadda yadda - numb it up with this. I read about it first on Pinterest, and was pleased to see it in my recovery room at the hospital. My lovely nurse even threw in an extra can (seriously - ask for everything!). I didn't need two cans (only needed it for about a week), but I'm going to hang onto this for general first aid purposes.

(4) Lactation Cookies

By putting the word "lactation" in front of cookie, it magically becomes a health food. True story. Okay, but seriously. Breastfeeding burns an insane amount of calories (300-500 calories per day), and it's hard enough to eat the normal calorie limit with a bouncing newborn, let alone enough to keep up your milk supply. Enter cookies. What makes these special are these three ingredients: (i) oatmeal (fiber!), (ii) Brewer's Yeast (milk production), and (iii) Flax (healthy omegas). I made this recipe that I found on Pinterest, which also includes coconut oil (cure all!) and chocolate (...hurray!). I made a batch and froze the whole thing in pre-formed scoops. Every couple of days I throw a few directly from the freezer into the oven. I found that I didn't even need to adjust the baking time. While the additions can make these a sort of supplement, I can say that in my experience, I have actually felt my milk let down after binging eating a few. They taste great, and their easy to eat one handed while I try to soothe Knish with the other hand. I have even modified a normal cookie bar recipe by adding brewer's yeast and flax seeds to it. It did add a bit of an earthy flavor, but Hubs didn't notice a difference (his milk did not come in after eating them - safe for the whole family!). 

A few final thoughts... 
I have not wanted to pound back a beer nearly as much as I thought.
I am less interested in caffeine now than in my 9th month (probably because I know I can nap). 
Having a supportive and patient partner has made all the difference in this experience. He doesn't feel that just because he's out of the house at work all day, his "fair share" is done, just like he knows I don't "sit around" all day while she naps. Parenthood is hard - whether you're doing if for a few hours per day, or full time. I wish more partners could share in the empathy - but I am so thankful that Hubs sees his time at work as "missing out" on parenthood, rather than any part of "sharing" duties. Tonight, after knowing I had a rough day being yelled at by my tiny boss, he couldn't wait to get changed and take over. They've had some great cuddle time, and I've been able to eat with two hands and get some thoughts out.

This Pregnancy Body

I want to start by saying that I feel good. I'm comfortable in my baby-growing skin, I like what I see in the mirror, and I am only critical of the stretch marks that I cannot control despite my twice-daily applications of belly balm. I still accept them (begrudgingly). 

But I have to admit something. And I cannot be the only one. Because despite the way I see myself and the way my wonderfully stretchy maternity clothes fit, I was shocked by The Number on the scale that I saw today at the doctor's office.

The scale is something new to me. Only in the recent two years did I even own one. But I will admit that I fell into the same trap pre-pregnancy as so many women and I was worried about the number. Mostly because of planning the pregnancy, I did not want to start this baby-growing journey with a number to lose. Well, I did. And I stopped looking at the scale so much that I'm not even certain what my official pre-baby weight is. I have a 10 lb range that I think I was at. But that means that the number I've gained fits into a 20-30 lb range. As I round the corner from second to third trimester, I know that 20 lbs is fine (5-10 lb per trimester). But I struggle with the idea of being 50% over where I "should" be.

Everyone has a number on the scale that they never want to see - pregnant or not. And as I edge closer to that number, I am faced with the reality that I will pass it. It's going to happen in the next three months (probably in the next month) and I need to accept that. I am eating healthy foods - snacking outside meals with almost exclusively on fruits and veggies. Yes, I go through bursts where I eat a lot. Yes, I put down two full-sized breakfast entrees on Saturday. No, I barely ate anything else all day. Balance. And I regret nothing - NOTHING.

But I am struggling to separate my expectations around the scale from my current health. The only problem here is in my head. As much as I have enjoyed almost every other aspect of this pregnancy (including how I look), I am surprised by how much I am struggling with The Number. My health continues to do well, and the doctor isn't concerned about The Number. So why am I?

And then I remembered that today I wore a non-maternity dress, so as much as I am struggling with The Number, it is not being reflected in my body, and my brain can STFU.

Dress from Nordstroms, cardigan and necklace from Stitch Fix.

Shakshuka!

Let’s talk travel recipes.

Last March, I went to Israel. I had some mind-blowing food. I was absolutely struck by the simplicity and intensity of the regional flavors. Even the flavor of the raw produce had a different (better?) flavor – more concentrated. I can’t really explain the difference. At breakfast we would be offered eggs, potatoes of some fashion, and a fresh salad bar. There was some canned fruit, but mostly fresh vegetables (tomatoes, cucumbers, salad, olives). I thought it was unusual to have fresh salad with my breakfast (but obviously I tried it). Basically it was like tasting cucumbers for the first time. My English skills are not advanced enough to appropriately describe the flavor explosion that happened in my mouth. And that seemed to happen with everything I tried.

About half-way through the trip, we stopped at our first market. There were baked goods and fresh produce and breads and olives and nuts and spices and ALL THE THINGS. All of them. It was like someone took Pike’s Place Market, put it on steroids, then put Bulked Up Pike’s Place on a flavor binge, and then rounded up Big Fat Pike’s Place’s fat friends and they all got together and staged a sit-in all over Israel. THAT much food. And things. And just… like whoa. (Did I mention I don’t really have the words?)

After visiting a few vendors, and completely gorging on outrageous baked goods (the highlight of the day being the fresh-from-the-oven chocolate rugalach. I could literally write a book on how good this pastry is, but it would be lots of “really really really really really really really good, like you don’t even know how really really really really really really really really really baller moist and delicious it is” and that gets boring in 1 sentence, let alone 200 pages) I set out on a spice mission. It was getting close to our meeting time to head back to the bus, but I happened upon our tour guide and another group leader having a snack just outside the plaza. First of all, the tour guide sent me back out IMMEDIATELY because I had failed to buy any za’atar. When I came back, I was able to try a bite of the left over shakshuka from our leader’s lunch. It was divine. I’d had baked eggs before, but never like this. And paired with the flavorful bread (of course it was flavorful) it was (not to be repetitive) a flavor explosion in MY MOUTH. Later on the bus, our fearless tour guide gave us his own personal recipe on making shakshuka at home. Believe you me, it did not take me almost 6 months to make this dish. In fact, it was one of the first things I made for myself during my stint of funemployment. But I did hoard the recipe and eat lots of it secretly under the table away from you because I didn’t want to admit how much this tomato-loathing Westerner had been shoveling this hand-over-fist. (…Oh and I kept eating it so fast I forgot to take pictures.)

Shakshuka is really a simple, rustic dish. In Israel it was on the menus for all times of day, but it seemed to be mostly a breakfast dish. I’ve eaten it at all times of day and am never mad at it. It’s savory enough to play with dinner - probably a flavor palate most of us Westerners are used to having with dinner. But it’s a great day starter – protein from eggs, fruits from the tomatoes, carbs from the dipping bread, and quick to throw together. The eggs poach right in the sauce, and it’s encouraged to eat directly from the pan it’s cooked in – family style! I recently made this for my family in California – I accommodated a large crowd by cooking the sauce on the stove, then putting it in a bake-ware pan and finishing the eggs in the oven. It took a little longer this way, but was easier than cooking in batches. Everyone, from my gluten-free little cousin, to my picky big cousins, enjoyed it.

Crusty bread is best to dip, but you could probably use just about anything. As a bread connoisseur, I recommend a French loaf or sourdough as your first pick. A focaccia or ciabatta would also be a great.

Shakshuka

Serves 3ish

Adapted from my Israeli tour guide

1 Tbls olive oil

1 Tbls butter

1 small onion, diced (yellow or sweet)

1 tsp salt (ish)

A few cloves of garlic, minced (more or less, depending on your taste. I like ALL OF IT)

28 oz can San Marzano crushed tomatoes (fresh tomatoes are great, too)

A few generous pinches of za’atar (available in exotic spice sections or Middle Eastern markets. Fresh parsley may be replaced)

6 eggs (the fresher, the better – I use farm fresh because I know a guy)

Feta, if you’re getting crazy

1.      Heat a large non-stick pan over medium-high heat. Add the olive oil and butter (you can use just olive oil if you prefer) and allow to heat up. Add the onion and salt and cook until the onion is translucent, but not yet browned.

2.      Add the garlic and cook until fragrant.

3.      Add the tomatoes and za’atar (or some parsley – be sure to reserve some). Stir, and then lower the heat to medium-low. Cook without a lid until the sauce reduces slightly. If it sputters, turn down the heat. If it reduces too quickly, losen it with a few spoonfuls of water. Season with salt and pepper.

4.      Add the 6 eggs evenly throughout the pan. Add a lid and cook 5-6 minutes, until the whites are set. You make cook longer if you aren’t wildly about loose yolks.

5.    When the eggs are set, remove from heat. Sprinkle a little feta (to taste) and some za’atar or parsley. Maybe a salad on the side. Enjoy!

Update on Life

I have so very much to catch up on. First of all, something that I didn't necessarily want to share openly on the blog while it was happening, but in March I was laid off from my real job. Unlike many other bloggers that I worship, this is (obviously) not something I do full-time, and honestly, I don’t want to. This is something I do for me, so I'm not sure the pressure of a full-time job in this creative outlet is a good fit for me.

During that time, I was very worried about getting a new job, but I did translate that stress the same way I normally do: into food. I did not, however, do a great job of snapping photos or writing down all my thoughts associated with these meals. Mostly because I had no thoughts. All of the stress, thoughts, free time, and stomach ulcers were devoted completely to finding new employment. Even while baking, I would rewrite cover letters between additions of eggs and vanilla.

I do have some new recipes coming at you, but they will be slow to post. The reason is that (Best Day) I have been employed for about 3 months now. As with any new job, the first few weeks were incredibly busy with travel and long work days (and learning, and reading, and organizing, and oh, did I mention the long work days?).

My unemployment lasted only about 7 weeks (I was incredibly lucky), but it still took a significant toll both emotionally and financially. As I get back to work after that much time off, I found it incredibly difficult to get back into a cooking schedule at night. I now work until about 6 pm, and if I run first thing, that still doesn't get dinner on the table before 8 pm. At the earliest. And in my constant battle with my alarm in the morning as it is (let alone trying to workout as well), I feel that the balance will, once again, come slowly.

I’m getting back into the swing of life, blogging, and, well, balance. My Plan for the next few weeks include regularly scheduled monthly posts (featuring the Many Hearts gals and the Theme Weavers), but hopefully some recipes (Oooo! Aaaahhh!). First to come, as I brush off the blogging dust, will be a few ramblings of recent trips.

From recent life.

Coming soon: Hangover Part Kvetchin Kitchen. 

The Traveler Returns

Let me start by saying that a lot has happened since I truly gave a detailed share-time here.
For starters, I was laid-off back in March. It was a terrible learning experience. I'm still learning from it... The most scarring part of the experience was that the news came in the middle of my incredible trip across Israel. It soured the second half of the trip. I have enough trouble focusing on the moment due to my mild anxiety, but this was truly distracting. Luckily I met some wonderfully amazing people who helped me talk myself up and even comforted me during my unannounced sobbing panic fits on the plane ride home.

I sat at home for 7 weeks.

I cleaned, I cooked, I cried, I did laundry, I organized my spice cabinet, I cried some more, and I dusted the tops of book shelves. And when Monday was over...

That is only a slight exaggeration. Most of my days included about 12 hours of job hunting/networking/resume writing and rewriting and over analysis of what I would wear on interviews. Occasionally, I would get an interview.

I pictured myself blogging a lot more during that time. But frankly, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself in between my bouts of panic and while I did plenty of cooking, photographing, and eating, I didn't really feel up to writing about it.

But on the 8th week there was work. And it was good. The natives rejoiced throughout the land.

And I haven't stopped moving since. Since May when I returned to work, I have been to Las Vegas, Prague, Vancouver BC, Australia, Portland, and the Washington coast. All of the international trips were for business and took up most of June. Honestly, it's taken me until about last week to truly recover from jet-lag. My hubs has been incredibly patient while I have no desire to cook and we went through a particularly shameful week of eating out for every dinner. When my job isn't sending me around the globe in 21 days, I'm working long hours and spending most of my creative juices on impressing my boss instead of sharing here. If you remember that I'm an introvert, this makes sense. Trust me.

But as I dusted off the blog to ready my typing fingers for Berry Week, I found myself wanting to talk. So here's a little bit about Australia (including a cocktail!) and hopefully I'll soon share the rest of my travels.

I spent a week between Melbourne and Sydney. And as glamorous as that sounds (and I never tire of saying it), I assure you it was not. The working days (all but one) were spent at the hospital, averaging 10 hour days. It's winter time down undah, so the days were shorter and colder. I had essentially zero time in Sydney. We drove past the opera house, but was working the rest of my time there. I was lucky enough to walk a bit around Melbourne, though.

Melbourne is a stunning city. It reminded me of a larger Portland with the liveability and culture. As a foodie, I was truly impressed. I experienced a wonderful tapas meal with Spanish wine and such care and civility to the dining experience that exceeded my best experience in Barcelona. I sneaked a snap of the menu so I could remember it.

Bunuelos de bacalao, caballa ahumado, queso, pollo escabache al miguel, bistec tartar de wagyu, setas asadas con jerez, and cecina were all gorged on.

Right around the corner from our hotel was an amazing breakfast place who grew their own honey on the roof. They had other impressive qualities, like locally source ingredients and a seasonal, low impact menu, but I was entranced by their honey. On my first visit, I was foolish enough to order "just" a latte. My colleague ordered a milk 'n honey (steamed milk with honey and cinnamon) that was so fragrant that I could smell it over my french toast and bacon. The next trip, I asked them to add honey to the latte and suddenly the world shattered around me and I found my new favorite morning drink: Milk 'n Honey Latte. Seriously you should try it. Starbucks in the states will even make it (I've tried). But everywhere I went in Melbourne had honey at hand and could whip me up one of these special treats. I'm in coffee love. It's like experiencing coffee all over again. I had fabulous quinoa, coq au vin, chicken parmagiana, benedicts, pork-fat-fried potatoes, and risottos. I was never hungry. Except for that one time we went shopping walking and forgot to eat and found out the hard way that most places are closed between 2 pm and 5 pm.

Bikes abound, polite locals, and beautiful foliage framed by time in town. One of my favorite meals all week was at The Aylesbury. The lunch featured a roasted carrot on a bed of creme fraiche with quinoa, sunflower seeds, and pomegranate seeds. The bread was... out of the this world. Unworldly. But I had a supremely executed cocktail and if it wasn't for the fact that I was dining with my boss and it was 1 pm, I would have had 2 more. They called it a "My Name is Earl". Served in a tall glass, it contained gin, creme de peche, earl grey tea, and lemon. It was surprisingly tea-like and not too sweet or alcoholic. Definitely one to go down smooth. Below I tried to recreate it.

After a week of hard work, which came hot on the tails of two other business trips, I was so ready for bed. I slept on the way home and was welcomed to a weekend of fundraisers and bridal showers across two states. But nothing was warmer than finally being in my husbands arms again. And two cats who didn't notice I was gone.

Below is my recreation attempt at the Aylesbury's drink. Mine came out more of a sweet tea, but was still very tea-like. I don't care much for real sweet teas, but I didn't find this version bad at all. It's a wonderful accompany to your porch-side evenings this summer!

Sweet Earl
Makes 1 cocktail (and extra syrup)

For Earl Grey Syrup
1/4 cup loose Earl Grey tea leaves
1 1/4 cup boiling water
1 1/4 cup sugar

In a large mug, place the tea leaves. Cover with boiling water and let steep until very strong (5 minutes). Strain the loose tea out and pour the tea into a small saucepan. To the saucepan, add the sugar and stir to combine. Place the saucepan over medium-high heat until the sugar dissolves completely and reduces slightly (5-10 minutes). Remove from heat and set aside to cool.

For the Sweet Earl:
1 1/2 jigger gin
1 jigger earl grey syrup
3/4 jigger peach schnapps
2 jiggers brewed earl grey tea (cooled)
Lemon slices

In a tall glass, add ice. Pour all liquid ingredients into the glass and stir to combine. Add the lemon slices and serve.

Colonoscopy ProTips

Welcome to TMI-town. If you have no interest in colonoscopy prep, then you can just move along. But if you, or someone you know, has the joy of an upcoming colonoscopy, then you should probably read this, share this, and forward on. But I'm keeping it real below - you've been warned.

I know that some people have had many more, but I've had 4 colonoscopies in 5 years. And in that time, I've learned a few tricks. Some people don't have any trouble (those people are rare) - if you don't, and don't want to get psyched out, then again - move along. Nothing to see here. Just a basket of puppies.

Source: http://www.funnypuppysite.com/pictures/basket_of_puppies904.htm

Are they gone? Good. Let me clarify - colonoscopies really aren't that bad. That's the secret. It's all the prep. The prep is just about the worst thing I would wish on a person I hate the most. It's also possible that I don't have really creative tortures and that I don't really wish ill will on many... But it's bad. Imagine if you have to eat a gallon (bucket?) of spicy chicken wings in just 2 hours. That itself may be hard (I know I have a little stomach), but include in that the abdominal discomfort, gas, and explosive, burning diarrhea that often accompanies too much spicy food. And there's less burn in this, except that you can't buy toilet paper soft enough to feel good at hour 4 of toilet time.

After a night of that, going into the hospital, stripping down, and getting a roto-rooter camera up your butt doesn't seem that bad because at least you'll get a good nap without being woken up by the sudden urge to fart (except you know it's not a fart. How there could be anything left, you won't know at 3 am - but you do know not to trust a fart after a gallon of laxatives so you get up anyways). It's a good sleep. And the fog you have when wake up is worth it, because you get at least one more poop-free nap when you get home. Unless you have trust issues. At which point you might want to wear Depends. Get over the shame - you were just roto-rootered.

This whole thing is prompted by the fact that colonoscopies seem to be a trendy way to end or start the year. And I've heard that a few people aren't feeling well, so I hope that this at least makes you smile a little bit. Below are some of my top tips from my most recent Plumbing Exam. I will preface this by saying that since I am not your physician, his/her advice definitely overrides mine. And also there are several different kinds of colonscopy prep, so obviously listen to your doc about yours.

(1) Practice chugging. If you were a good kid like me, you never learned the fine art of chugging in college. I didn't because of the timing of my Crohn's diagnosis. And also I didn't like beer (the feeling was mutual...). I've learned chugging through these exams, but the worst part of all the different kinds of prep is the sheer volume of liquid that you're required to consume in a relatively short period of time. I don't mind telling you that it's hard enough for me to drink my 8 glasses of water in a whole day, let alone a gallon in 2-4 hours. So in the days leading up to your exam, it won't hurt to practice pounding back a few glasses of water at a time. Bonus: pre-funk hydration is key.
 
(2) Find a method that works. This depends on your prep, but I've only ever had Golytely (or Trilytely - neither appropriately named). The basics of most of these preps is to assault your system with too much salt and it just expels ALL THE THINGS from your digestive track. Something about all of this salt in the mix that changes the texture of the water just a little. Ever accidentally swallow sea water? Not only is it straight up salty and gag-worthy, but it's a little... viscous. Just not right. Not right at all. After about the half-way mark, Golytely gives me THAT feeling. Now - keeping it chill really helps. But that also makes it harder to pound back (Salty Ice Cream Headache without the joy of ice cream and with all the pain and sorrow of salty tears). To miss the gag reflex, I used a straw for a few times. It works for some people. If you don't mind the smell of things, just chug-a-lug out of a regular glass. But my new favorite is out of little plastic water bottles. Easy to chug from without smelling, and I found little ones that were the perfect size for the 8 oz chug times.

(3) Don't drink between chugs. You will want to cleanse your mouth to remove the unholy terror that is Golytely. With something. Anything. But let me promise you - it just takes up valuable stomach space for the chugging. You will be hungry. You may not think that you could fill up on some salty exile fluid. But you can. And you will. And you will feel grosser than that one time you ordered a XL chili dog with super sized onion rings and a chocolate shake and regretted it immediately but strangely couldn't stop eating. Or that other time with the gravy. So. Much. Gravy. You'll feel like that. And even though there's no grease, just salt, it does weird grimy things. Speaking of grimy...

(4) You'll want a shower. You will be going to the bathroom. A lot. This is obvious. What you may or may not be familiar with is the urge to shower. Between the toilet frequency, gross bloaty feeling, and that weird sweating (has to be the salt, right?), you'll consider several showers over the night. But you'll have to time it carefully, because you'll need to use the restroom again. Proceed with caution.

(5) Buy some super gooshy toilet paper. The reasons should be obvious.

(6) Bring something to do. Whether sudoku, a book, solitaire, or your twitter feed... maybe movie streaming on your laptop? You'll be in and out so often, that you might as well just camp out. It sounds weird, until you're there. All shame leaves right around your 4th or 5th flush.

(7) Find a dye-free flavor that you like, but won't mind never drinking again. Most preps come with a flavor packet - lemon is common. After the second prep I realized that I needed a new flavor because I got some sort of pavlovian response to the lemon and would start gagging well before I started pooping. Once I was able to find a lemon-lime-cherry flavor without red dye (what?!? I know right!!). This time I found some peachy thing that was good. But you'll never want to drink that flavor again. Seriously. And be sure to read your prep directions carefully about your dye limitations.

(8) Don't. Trust. A Fart. Once you start drinking, all bets are off.

(9) Make jokes. The process sucks. It just does. But find people who laugh with you, keep you company, and keep you sane. It will take several hours, and it will take a lot of you. It gets better in the morning. But it's also easy to get really psyched out by the whole process. People who have been there will laugh at you. People who are grossed out by it might ignore you for a little while. Get over it - they will. It's just poop being forcibly expelled at rapid velocity and high frequency. Get over it.

(10) Remember: It will be over soon. As terrible as this evening is, it's just the one evening. And you will feel better in the morning. You will want to eat. You will stop sweating in weird ways. The bloating will go away. The world will keep turning. And you will return to normal bathroom visits.

To everyone undergoing checks this year (whether planned or due to illness), I wish you all the best of luck with quick and easy preps, and good news on all your labs. And keep smiling - because you're never alone in this.

Blogging Real Talk

The maddening truth, and reason why I blog so infrequently:

Happy Holidays, everyone!