Thursday, February 5, 2015

#Reverb15 – January

Upgoals | What are you so NOT doing this year? What’s on your “I just can’t care about that” list?


I’m a little late, but I really have been thinking about this goal for a while. I would really like to care less about what I can’t control. I’d like to think less of what people think about me. And I’d like to care less about whether or not I’m scoring a high enough grade in aspects of life that aren’t actually graded (so… all of it).

As a type A control freak (who… me? I know. Shocking), I tend to care a lot about a lot. I would love to be able to lay aside all my cares, and actually do. And coming from a family of engineers, I’m super good at planning and caring. Doing is hard. Doing is the struggle. Letting go of the plans and the “could-bes” and “worst case” and “what-ifs” are something that I may never be able to do. But I’m trying.

Last night was my third yoga class in a week, and my second as part of an eight week introduction series I signed up for. I’ve loved the idea of yoga – especially regarding the wellness and awareness it can bring people in all areas of life. But it is a practice. And last night, they were speaking about how you can never really be an A student in yoga until you let yourself be a C student first. 
Me: “LOLZ.” 
But it’s true. And as we transitioned into our eleventy billionth downward dog of the night, my shoulders screamed, and my hamstrings pulled in the wrong direction, and my whole body started shaking. So I took a knee and took a breath in child’s pose. And that was okay! And then I went right back into downward dog, but just that single breath on the ground allowed me to finish stronger.


And I’m trying to bring that into my life more. So when my desk life is screaming, and my chores are pulling me in the wrong direction, and my relationships are shaking, I can try to take a knee. Take a breath – just one breath – and do more, stronger. And I just can’t care that other people don’t need to take a knee or a breath. But more likely is that I’m too focused on my own screaming shoulders to notice that they took a break before I did, and we all finished together.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Insomilomidingdong

Dear Diary,

It's approximately 1:45 AM and I am awake. It's the third night (morning?) this has happened. Seeing as I've been home for nearly three weeks (illness, followed by surgery, followed by office closed and boredom), it can't possibly be jetlag. 
Sherlock and Merlon and Good Eats are all on Netflix so at least I have something to do. Oy. I have pinned everything I can. I have sent pins endlessly. Facebook has been scoured. Instagram is caught up. And I'm hungry. This is really terrible. And I am getting more and more fearful of Monday when the real world strikes again.

Supplies are low. As is morale. I fear the worst. Send help. 

The Case of The Giant Tonsils was resolved on December 15th. 2.5 weeks later, I'm healing well. But before that there was the The Strange Intense Pain That Sent Me Home Early from Germany. Oh and there was the work trip to Germany. So while I foolishly thought I could keep up with #Reverb14 under the influence of narcotic pain killers, the travel, the ER, the pain killers, and family time, I have fallen terribly behind. 

No better way to bully insomnia when everyone else in this hemisphere is sleeping than to write a "Dear Diary" entry, right?

Half hour later, sleep is no closer to me. I suppose I'll go paint my nails or clean out a bin?

Sweet dreams, Diary. 
Hugs and Kisses,
~Kvetchin 

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Reverb14 - Day 4

Do Over | Hindsight is the one thing we never benefit from in the present. Is there one moment you wish you could do-over?

Until recently, I am honestly sure that I was haunted by the past. I would go home at the end of the day and re-analyze almost every interaction. From emails, to casual conversations, to professional interactions. 

But over the past year, something clicked and I am just not doing it as much any more. So when I think back to this year and try to consider what I would have done differently, I am not haunted by anything right now. Part of this may honestly be just that I am so busy and overwhelmed at work that I cannot spare the time to think on the past.

Of course I still have moments when I second guess myself, but there has been a shift. There is not one moment I would do differently. 

I may wish for small moments when I could spare an extra breath to be a little kinder to those who care for me, may wish that I could call my family a little more, or may wish that I could balance work a little bit, but those may be the next shift in me. For now, I will try to enjoy the peace and quiet flowing from the self-critical corner of my mind.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Reverb14 - Day 3

Coulda woulda shoulda | What didn't you do this year because you were too scared, afraid, unsure? Are you going to do it next year? Or maybe you don't want to anymore?

I like to think that there's not much I avoid just because I'm scared. There were lots of things I didn't get to this year, but finishing/not finishing had far less to do with fear and so much more with brain cells and resources to spare.

The only thing that came close was getting my tonsils out. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea this year after undergoing a sleep study when Hubs had finally had enough of my night-time throat singing. The cure? Tonsillectomy. Now, this is not the cure for everyone, but I assure you my tonsils are so big that they almost touch on the daily, so this might actually cure it for me. But after lots of consideration, I nabbed the last appointment of the year!

Fingers crossed for a snore-free 2015!

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Reverb14 - Day 2

Gorgeous | When did you feel beautiful this year? Why?

Okay. All my cards on the table: this was a rough body image year. In all honesty, this year's weight gain has affected me more than any my other bald years prior.

But I remember two nights in particular where I felt outrageous.

(1) Our 4-year anniversary in March. We made reservations. I wore a wig and a new dress. Hubs got me a beautiful gift. I was drunk on love before the alcohol kicked in. It was a rare evening together in between many weeks of travel and it was so wonderful to be engaged and focused on each other.

(2) Few months later, I found a coupon for a distillery tour and cocktail tasting date night. We made friends, made drinks, and ate a greasy bar burger before heading home.  After 50,000 miles traveled, this was a welcome break and so nice to stay with my man.

Date night selfie!

It was not until I started writing this down that I realized how much I define "gorgeous" by the quality time I spend with my husband. Yes, I feel pretty sometimes when I travel on my own.But I think "gorgeous" represents a centered mind, as well. My year was by no means centered or peaceful, but when I get to spend quiet moments with my man, he does have that effect on me.

Can I have my own identity, self esteem, and centered moments without him? Of course. I have and I will continue my own identity without him. But we are in a partnership together, and it's okay that he can be that rock for me, too. That may not be a very feminist sentiment, but this is my truth. And in this year where I traveled over 100,000 miles over this globe, it is comforting to let him have this peace over me. 

Monday, December 1, 2014

Reverb14 - Day 1

Last year for December, I tried working out the posts with the Reverb community. I found it deeply inspirational, and am trying it again this year. I may find that I will post more this month than the rest of the year combined, but if I do, it will be because I need to work it out.

At the start | Where did you start 2014? 

This year was a blur. January came hot on the heels of an emotional holiday season - The First after my grandmother passed. "The Hardest" "It's easier after this."
Sure. Okay. If you say so.

In January I was struggling. I was deeply dissatisfied at work. I had two new bosses that I wasn't quite used to yet. I was personally in a better place after blogging through some feelings in Reverb last year, but generally I remember feeling aching in my heart and soul.

I was desperately ready for a change - in my job, in my outlook, in anything. Even if it was more plainness in my life. I did not get plain or even normal. But this December, 11 months later, is worlds brighter than January in all ways.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The Day To Day

Here's the problem. It's not that I don't want to be on here. It's that I'm genuinely at a loss of what to say. It's not so much writer's block, as much as the only feelings I've had to share are motivated by stress from work. And I don't want this to be a negative outlet. While I certainly don't want to keep it sunshine and roses all the time, we'd all get bored if all I talked about was how mentally, physically, and emotionally drained I am at the end if the workday. 

Now, it hasn't been all rain clouds, either. My outlook at work is improving. I'm working out again. I'm visiting family and my new nephew. But I'm still struggling with the mental and creative stamina required to walk in the door after working 10 hours in my cubicle, workout for an hour, make and eat dinner, maybe catch up on reading blogs, and pretty soon it's 10 pm and I haven't stopped moving all day. Yet the laundry pile doesn't get any smaller, and the dishes don't wash themselves, and my husband can't always entertain himself. 

So it gets to be 10 pm and all I can think about to write is whining about how I don't have time in my day to fix that chipped nail polish or iron that blouse. So instead of complaining about it here, I've stood up and done it. 

These moods definitely come and go with the seasons. The days are getting longer and warmer here in the PNW, and we finally had our first hot day. I am so looking forward to getting one more excuse off my back and get back into sharing here.