Reverb is a way to reflect on the past year and project into the next year with a prompt a day for 31 days. The point is to remember, revisit, reframe, reexamine the past year and share stories.
Prompt: How did you celebrate the passage of another year? Did it turn out the way you had hoped?
In short, it did not turn out how I hoped. Kind of... Okay, well let me back up. When I was growing up, the tradition in our home was that the birthday kid (or adult) gets to pick dinner. It doesn't matter what anyone had to make or go out for, that was it. And some special gifts. But birthdays were much more for us about who remembered and making us feel special than about the gifts.
When I married my husband, I learned for him that birthdays were not necessarily special. So we sometimes struggle with... matching expectations. I don't need (or expect) him to drop everything and dote on me and make my birthday the BEST DAY EVER, but I do loves birthdays...
This year, the month before my birthday I was in Israel. So with the cost of that, I didn't expect anything lavish or even any gifts. But then I was also laid-off. So everything went right out the window. Spending any money on anything seemed silly and irresponsible. Honestly - I don't even remember what we did for my birthday. I DID, however, get a job offer on my birthday. And 10 days later I was working again. And a few weeks later I was in Vegas with my family celebrating my cousin's birthday so I got a little special time, too.
Looking back it sounds a little sad, but in that moment I wasn't that sad. I have had enough travels and other special moments to make up for it. And next year for my birthday, I'll get to spend it with a brand new nephew. It's getting less sad, and more about how the meaning of birthdays is changing to me. I'm now at the age where I get carded less and less, and my actual age means less to me than the decade I'm still in. I'm sure that will change in the next few years, but for now... I'm simply at peace with the birthday situation.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Reverb 13: Prompt 5 - Challenges
Prompt: Did you take on a new challenge in 2013? Was was it? Are there challenges you deliberately avoided? What do you want to do to challenge yourself in 2014?
I love challenges. And not just in the "Challenge Accepted!" sort of way, although I do. My mom did a great job of teaching me to overcome obstacles, or "challenges" by saying little mantras like "Challenges and opportunities!" - meaning that things aren't hard for the sake of being hard. Any challenge we face becomes an opportunity to succeed, to become stronger, to make the next step a little less brutal. Things do not get easier right away, and I learned to stick with (out-stubborn, if you will) some of the crummier things I have come across.
And it's because of this attitude that she's taught me, I certainly do my best not to avoid any challenges. And I can't think of any that I've avoided this year, or that I was able to avoid. Avoiding things doesn't make them go away! The bills won't, the personal problems won't, the health challenges won't go away.
I have done a few things to challenge my health this year. For example, I took my second attempt at running a half marathon. This was a huge challenge for me given (1) I really hurt myself the last time I tried and (b) I am not really an athletic person. This half marathon also included a fundraising aspect to benefit the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America. And putting myself "out there" is an added challenge. Countless strangers across the internet, including many of you, and the support was incredible.
But the thing is, I learned to love running. I took my time with the schedule. I tried to get back on track and the mileage ticked up almost easily. Soon I was up to 3 or 4 miles at a stretch. As the weather warmed, I made it up to 5, 6 and 7 miles at a time. I made it as high as 8 miles this round of training before I re-injured myself. It wasn't even fun like a gravel trail. I was warming up with the running group, heading up a long hill. I was focusing on my chi running form, letting the music guide my intervals as needed. One step - I was great. The next step - failure. Okay, well it's not like I failed, but my body did. Which has always been an emotional challenge of mine - finding the balance and better defining "failure". Can I have really failed if my body simply wasn't ready? Can I have failed if I didn't have control? Well, I made it to the half marathon. I walked it - which was a physical challenge in itself - I didn't quite feel like I "succeeded".
For 2014, I'm trying running again. I'm starting over. From scratch. Even if I feel like I can go further or faster (which I don't), I'm starting over. I got used to the "Runner's High", to the alone time with my thoughts and my music, the selfishness I needed to set the time aside and get away (this is not something I'm usually successful at). Last year I had a high mileage count for this year as a resolution. I didn't make it. Is that a failure? How can it be if I wasn't physically able? It's a question I ask myself a lot.
I love challenges. And not just in the "Challenge Accepted!" sort of way, although I do. My mom did a great job of teaching me to overcome obstacles, or "challenges" by saying little mantras like "Challenges and opportunities!" - meaning that things aren't hard for the sake of being hard. Any challenge we face becomes an opportunity to succeed, to become stronger, to make the next step a little less brutal. Things do not get easier right away, and I learned to stick with (out-stubborn, if you will) some of the crummier things I have come across.
And it's because of this attitude that she's taught me, I certainly do my best not to avoid any challenges. And I can't think of any that I've avoided this year, or that I was able to avoid. Avoiding things doesn't make them go away! The bills won't, the personal problems won't, the health challenges won't go away.
I have done a few things to challenge my health this year. For example, I took my second attempt at running a half marathon. This was a huge challenge for me given (1) I really hurt myself the last time I tried and (b) I am not really an athletic person. This half marathon also included a fundraising aspect to benefit the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America. And putting myself "out there" is an added challenge. Countless strangers across the internet, including many of you, and the support was incredible.
But the thing is, I learned to love running. I took my time with the schedule. I tried to get back on track and the mileage ticked up almost easily. Soon I was up to 3 or 4 miles at a stretch. As the weather warmed, I made it up to 5, 6 and 7 miles at a time. I made it as high as 8 miles this round of training before I re-injured myself. It wasn't even fun like a gravel trail. I was warming up with the running group, heading up a long hill. I was focusing on my chi running form, letting the music guide my intervals as needed. One step - I was great. The next step - failure. Okay, well it's not like I failed, but my body did. Which has always been an emotional challenge of mine - finding the balance and better defining "failure". Can I have really failed if my body simply wasn't ready? Can I have failed if I didn't have control? Well, I made it to the half marathon. I walked it - which was a physical challenge in itself - I didn't quite feel like I "succeeded".
For 2014, I'm trying running again. I'm starting over. From scratch. Even if I feel like I can go further or faster (which I don't), I'm starting over. I got used to the "Runner's High", to the alone time with my thoughts and my music, the selfishness I needed to set the time aside and get away (this is not something I'm usually successful at). Last year I had a high mileage count for this year as a resolution. I didn't make it. Is that a failure? How can it be if I wasn't physically able? It's a question I ask myself a lot.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Whipped Goat Cheese Spread
Oh hai.
So this summer I met my sister-in-law for happy-hour on the roof of a restaurant in Seattle. Just your run-of-the-mill afternoon in Seattle where you wander into a traditional French cafe and watch the sunset over the Puget Sound while you sip champagne cocktails.
I was meeting her to catch a ride to Portland during The Dark Days of Unemployment - I was taking the short ride to see if it would broaden my potential job options. But obviously we needed nourishment before hitting the road.
I have long-since forgotten most of what we ate, but one dish has stuck with me over the months. We enjoyed whipped goat cheese spread with crostini and crudites. The cheese was light and mousse-y; salty and tangy, and utterly addictive.
This spread takes about 3 minutes to whip together if you have a food processor and at least 30 minutes to set up in the fridge. Aside from prepping the sides, this comes together so quickly that it will be easy to add into any holiday party line-up! Also consider adding in a few tablespoons of chopped herbs to any batch. The original recipe calls for chives, and I've seen basil used in other variations. Chopped rosemary, parsley, or even cracked pepper.
As you can imagine, any sort of toppings will work well with this. I chose to make mine with some cracked pepper in the spread, and a light dusting of smoky spicy paprika on top. I shmooshed it on some lightly toasted baguette and topped it with prosciutto or thinly sliced radishes.
It tasted surprisingly like summer, and with the variety of toppings, can be a great all-season party treat. Or, if you're ambitious, great for two people with a bottle of bubbles and your next holiday movie marathon.
Whipped Goat Cheese Spread
Adapted from The Internet
Serves 4 as an appetizer
1/2 cup whipping cream
2 Tbls milk
4 oz. soft goat cheese
1 - 2 Tbls mix-in of your preference
So this summer I met my sister-in-law for happy-hour on the roof of a restaurant in Seattle. Just your run-of-the-mill afternoon in Seattle where you wander into a traditional French cafe and watch the sunset over the Puget Sound while you sip champagne cocktails.
I was meeting her to catch a ride to Portland during The Dark Days of Unemployment - I was taking the short ride to see if it would broaden my potential job options. But obviously we needed nourishment before hitting the road.
I have long-since forgotten most of what we ate, but one dish has stuck with me over the months. We enjoyed whipped goat cheese spread with crostini and crudites. The cheese was light and mousse-y; salty and tangy, and utterly addictive.
This spread takes about 3 minutes to whip together if you have a food processor and at least 30 minutes to set up in the fridge. Aside from prepping the sides, this comes together so quickly that it will be easy to add into any holiday party line-up! Also consider adding in a few tablespoons of chopped herbs to any batch. The original recipe calls for chives, and I've seen basil used in other variations. Chopped rosemary, parsley, or even cracked pepper.
As you can imagine, any sort of toppings will work well with this. I chose to make mine with some cracked pepper in the spread, and a light dusting of smoky spicy paprika on top. I shmooshed it on some lightly toasted baguette and topped it with prosciutto or thinly sliced radishes.
It tasted surprisingly like summer, and with the variety of toppings, can be a great all-season party treat. Or, if you're ambitious, great for two people with a bottle of bubbles and your next holiday movie marathon.
Whipped Goat Cheese Spread
Adapted from The Internet
Serves 4 as an appetizer
1/2 cup whipping cream
2 Tbls milk
4 oz. soft goat cheese
1 - 2 Tbls mix-in of your preference
- In a bowl of a food processor fitted with the chopping blade, add all the ingredients.
- Pulse the ingredients until combined. Turn the blade on and whip until light and fluffy - only about 30 seconds.
- Spoon the mixture into a ramekin - mine came straight to the rim. Top it with a piece of parchment and chill in the fridge for at least 30 minutes to firm up. Serve with crackers, bread, veggies, meat, and/or spoon.
Reverb 13: Prompt 4 - Hindsight
Prompt: Is there one moment you wish you could do over?
In short? No. Not because there aren't moments I wish I could change, but because there's not ONE moment.
I suffer from acute Analysis Paralysis. It's a term my mom and I tease each other about to, endearingly, refer to the family tendency to over-think many situations. Sometimes the over-analysis helps - considering all possible outcomes of a situation can help you be prepared for every possibility. However, as the nickname implies, this process can lend someone to be paralyzed by the sheer volume of decisions to make and plan-for. I suffer from this in both past and future events. I continue to embarrass myself over little things that no one else even remembers, let along thinks less of me for.
It's a habit that doesn't prepare me for moving forward, and it doesn't fix anything in the past.
The only thing that really comes to mind that would change anything is finding out I was laid-off while in Israel. I wish I hadn't turned on my data. I wish I would have been okay without trying to check work email. I wish I could just turn off my workaholic brain long enough to truly enjoy and embrace that one trip to that impossible place and save the emotional trauma for when I got home. Because the trauma and the hurt was coming. I don't even want to undo the getting laid-off. I just want to delay finding out so that in 5 years when I look back on the trip I won't think "Can you believe what an incredible trip that was? Oh, and can you believe I was laid off in the middle of it?"
I want to remember The Wall. And the food. And the history and emotions and the people. And I do now. But I also remember The Text followed by The Phone Call. And it doesn't change anything and it won't change anything.
I could (and do) hope to change other things, of course. The little tone I used - I could have taken 5 second to take a deep breath and be a little kinder. I could have called more. If maybe I'd just done this differently... But I'd beat myself up (and I do) imagining all the different scenarios and it makes me sick. And I try to cut back - because the older I get, the more futile I find the Analysis Paralysis to be (unless, of course, you're analyzing vacations...).
In short? No. Not because there aren't moments I wish I could change, but because there's not ONE moment.
I suffer from acute Analysis Paralysis. It's a term my mom and I tease each other about to, endearingly, refer to the family tendency to over-think many situations. Sometimes the over-analysis helps - considering all possible outcomes of a situation can help you be prepared for every possibility. However, as the nickname implies, this process can lend someone to be paralyzed by the sheer volume of decisions to make and plan-for. I suffer from this in both past and future events. I continue to embarrass myself over little things that no one else even remembers, let along thinks less of me for.
It's a habit that doesn't prepare me for moving forward, and it doesn't fix anything in the past.
The only thing that really comes to mind that would change anything is finding out I was laid-off while in Israel. I wish I hadn't turned on my data. I wish I would have been okay without trying to check work email. I wish I could just turn off my workaholic brain long enough to truly enjoy and embrace that one trip to that impossible place and save the emotional trauma for when I got home. Because the trauma and the hurt was coming. I don't even want to undo the getting laid-off. I just want to delay finding out so that in 5 years when I look back on the trip I won't think "Can you believe what an incredible trip that was? Oh, and can you believe I was laid off in the middle of it?"
I want to remember The Wall. And the food. And the history and emotions and the people. And I do now. But I also remember The Text followed by The Phone Call. And it doesn't change anything and it won't change anything.
I could (and do) hope to change other things, of course. The little tone I used - I could have taken 5 second to take a deep breath and be a little kinder. I could have called more. If maybe I'd just done this differently... But I'd beat myself up (and I do) imagining all the different scenarios and it makes me sick. And I try to cut back - because the older I get, the more futile I find the Analysis Paralysis to be (unless, of course, you're analyzing vacations...).
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Reverb 13: Prompt 3 - The Brave
Prompt: What was the bravest thing you did in 2013?
Bravery is a hard one for me. I recall a risk-management class I took in grad school that started by asking us to consider the riskiest thing we had ever done.
I'm not that kind of person. I don't take huge risks with wild abandon. But because I'm not in risky situations, I'm also not in a place where "bravery" is really required. I even had to look up the literal definition of bravery to help me here.
Looking at it literally, it is difficult for me to be very public with my Crohn's disease. Sure I have posted about colonoscopies, but it remains to be a great challenge for me. And in July of this year, I attended a half marathon (difficult on its own) that had the added challenge of asking me to associate with a bunch of strangers (have I mentioned only a hundred times that I'm a wild introvert?) and discuss my journey with Crohn's disease.
The fundraising was a journey itself. To ask so many people to donate so much was very challenging for me. So many heart warming stories of people in the same boat. And then to travel to California to do the same thing but in front of actual people... and then to run and SWEAT in front of them? I don't know if I would call it "Brave" persay, but it was one of the most difficult and emotionally challenging events of the year.
The SECOND bravest moment is when I encountered a scorpion in Arizona when I went down to meet a (sort-of) internet-stranger. I didn't get bit. But it was LITERALLY millimeters from my foot. I could have DIED. Obviously I didn't. And the weirdo from the internet didn't even try to chop me up!
Bravery is a hard one for me. I recall a risk-management class I took in grad school that started by asking us to consider the riskiest thing we had ever done.
I'm not that kind of person. I don't take huge risks with wild abandon. But because I'm not in risky situations, I'm also not in a place where "bravery" is really required. I even had to look up the literal definition of bravery to help me here.
Looking at it literally, it is difficult for me to be very public with my Crohn's disease. Sure I have posted about colonoscopies, but it remains to be a great challenge for me. And in July of this year, I attended a half marathon (difficult on its own) that had the added challenge of asking me to associate with a bunch of strangers (have I mentioned only a hundred times that I'm a wild introvert?) and discuss my journey with Crohn's disease.
The fundraising was a journey itself. To ask so many people to donate so much was very challenging for me. So many heart warming stories of people in the same boat. And then to travel to California to do the same thing but in front of actual people... and then to run and SWEAT in front of them? I don't know if I would call it "Brave" persay, but it was one of the most difficult and emotionally challenging events of the year.
The SECOND bravest moment is when I encountered a scorpion in Arizona when I went down to meet a (sort-of) internet-stranger. I didn't get bit. But it was LITERALLY millimeters from my foot. I could have DIED. Obviously I didn't. And the weirdo from the internet didn't even try to chop me up!
Reverb 13: Prompt 2 - The Best
Prompt: What was the best moment of 2013?
This will be short. And not just because I wrote a novel for Prompt 1. Because it shines in its simplicity.
The best moment was August 1st when I found out that I'm going to be an aunt! My husband's brother and wife are expecting - the first in our little clan. I'm in over-planning mode - and I love every crazy second of it.
Nothing more, nothing less.
This will be short. And not just because I wrote a novel for Prompt 1. Because it shines in its simplicity.
The best moment was August 1st when I found out that I'm going to be an aunt! My husband's brother and wife are expecting - the first in our little clan. I'm in over-planning mode - and I love every crazy second of it.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Reverb 13: Prompt 1 - The Year
Prompt: Where did you start 2013? Give us some background on the year.
I almost didn't take this Reverb on - this year has been... One of Those Years. I was traveling for the first few days of the month, but I want to catch up and I want to follow through on this Reverb because I've had trouble following through on a lot of things recently and I'm hoping and searching for ANYTHING to take me out of my slump.
So let's try this.
January 1, 2013 had me at home, sleeping off a food coma from an awesome New Year's party. I had so many hopes about my career, a half marathon, and a trip to Israel... I started the year with a lot of hope.
In March I went to Israel on a trip with 2 dozen other young professionals. It re-awakened a side of my religion and spirituality that I had lost a long time ago between relationships and career choices. It was an amazing adventure. I had a lot of anxiety as I entered the trip... even though I'd traveled a little bit for work in the past, it was never for so long, and never with so many peers. I knew how to act in a group of professional peers. But what about kids my age? I'm alarmingly lost in that area. But I was also anxious because I was 1/3 of my work department, leaving for almost 2 weeks without cell reception. That's a lot for this work-a-holic to swallow.
Turns out my workaholism could take a break (and should have) because just over half way through my trip (my trip of a lifetime, a trip where it took me a week to stop checking work emails, where I was finally starting to act my age and let go a little bit), a rogue text found me and told me I had been laid-off. SO! You take a workaholic with mild anxiety, stuck in a foreign country... and lay them off. Social experiment? Aanndd... go! Luckily, with the help of some truly wonderful new friends and a few mid-flight panic attacks... I survived and even occasionally enjoyed the remainder of my trip.
I came home to some of the most humiliating and liberating weeks of my life. To sit home all day, every day, for 7 straight weeks, obsessing over the number in your back account, how many jobs you applied to that day, is that a new one or a repost? Have I cleaned enough to value-add to my house-hold? Did I miss Price-Is-Right?? This period of the year, although short (thankfully), helped me learn a lot about myself (good and bad) and about my career aspirations (sometimes desperate). The "Value-Add" to the household was difficult for me... Without a paycheck, how do you quantify a person's value to the home? I know how many households manage with stay-at-home parents, and so on. But how much am I worth without a paycheck? I didn't bother my husband nearly as much as it bothered me.
All of this brings us just to May. In May I started a new job. Didn't love it. Sometimes hated it. And I am still learning to live day-to-day in this situation. It's new and it's weird and it's affecting me in ways I never knew a job could bleed into the rest of one's life.
I went to Vegas with family. I walked a half-marathon (after hurting my ankle. AGAIN). And then I lost one of the most beautiful, intelligent, and strong women I knew. My grandmother passed away and I had to choose between her funeral or my father-in-law's 60th birthday bash in Vegas. I missed the birthday, and had an impossible time during the weekend. I don't know how else to verbalize this in this space except to say that there is a void that I cannot process, even 4 months later. 4 months, 4 days, 4 years... day-to-day it can flux between. Like this weekend during the holidays, it seems impossibly close. But a few short weeks ago, it seemed impossibly far away. How can life just move on without her? And then it does. It moves on. We move on. The world moves on even if we don't.
Things happen in my day and I think of her. Little things... like how I can't bring myself to change the contact name in my phone to delete her name. How when she was around there were plenty of photos, but now that there will never be another new photo, there doesn't seem to be enough of the old ones.
I just celebrated a fantastic Thanksgiving and Hanukkah with my parents in Denver (our first one there... ever? It's been ages since I've been home for Thanksgiving...). There were lots of tears of sadness, but we spent a fair amount of time looking towards the future, too. We will move on. But moving on means nothing about forgetting.
A novel later... This year was a whirlwind. I remember it in a few poignant pieces and the rest is a blur of emotions. And I cannot wait for the relief of 2014 to come. Where new whirlwinds and emotions await; a time when I can move on without forgetting, but without always feeling, too. To a time when I can remember without the hurt of missing her. Or when I can recall the incredible trip to Israel without always tying it to the loneliness of being at home afterwards. That's the only thing 2014 can really promise us, isn't it? The progression of time.
I almost didn't take this Reverb on - this year has been... One of Those Years. I was traveling for the first few days of the month, but I want to catch up and I want to follow through on this Reverb because I've had trouble following through on a lot of things recently and I'm hoping and searching for ANYTHING to take me out of my slump.
So let's try this.
January 1, 2013 had me at home, sleeping off a food coma from an awesome New Year's party. I had so many hopes about my career, a half marathon, and a trip to Israel... I started the year with a lot of hope.
In March I went to Israel on a trip with 2 dozen other young professionals. It re-awakened a side of my religion and spirituality that I had lost a long time ago between relationships and career choices. It was an amazing adventure. I had a lot of anxiety as I entered the trip... even though I'd traveled a little bit for work in the past, it was never for so long, and never with so many peers. I knew how to act in a group of professional peers. But what about kids my age? I'm alarmingly lost in that area. But I was also anxious because I was 1/3 of my work department, leaving for almost 2 weeks without cell reception. That's a lot for this work-a-holic to swallow.
Turns out my workaholism could take a break (and should have) because just over half way through my trip (my trip of a lifetime, a trip where it took me a week to stop checking work emails, where I was finally starting to act my age and let go a little bit), a rogue text found me and told me I had been laid-off. SO! You take a workaholic with mild anxiety, stuck in a foreign country... and lay them off. Social experiment? Aanndd... go! Luckily, with the help of some truly wonderful new friends and a few mid-flight panic attacks... I survived and even occasionally enjoyed the remainder of my trip.
I came home to some of the most humiliating and liberating weeks of my life. To sit home all day, every day, for 7 straight weeks, obsessing over the number in your back account, how many jobs you applied to that day, is that a new one or a repost? Have I cleaned enough to value-add to my house-hold? Did I miss Price-Is-Right?? This period of the year, although short (thankfully), helped me learn a lot about myself (good and bad) and about my career aspirations (sometimes desperate). The "Value-Add" to the household was difficult for me... Without a paycheck, how do you quantify a person's value to the home? I know how many households manage with stay-at-home parents, and so on. But how much am I worth without a paycheck? I didn't bother my husband nearly as much as it bothered me.
All of this brings us just to May. In May I started a new job. Didn't love it. Sometimes hated it. And I am still learning to live day-to-day in this situation. It's new and it's weird and it's affecting me in ways I never knew a job could bleed into the rest of one's life.
I went to Vegas with family. I walked a half-marathon (after hurting my ankle. AGAIN). And then I lost one of the most beautiful, intelligent, and strong women I knew. My grandmother passed away and I had to choose between her funeral or my father-in-law's 60th birthday bash in Vegas. I missed the birthday, and had an impossible time during the weekend. I don't know how else to verbalize this in this space except to say that there is a void that I cannot process, even 4 months later. 4 months, 4 days, 4 years... day-to-day it can flux between. Like this weekend during the holidays, it seems impossibly close. But a few short weeks ago, it seemed impossibly far away. How can life just move on without her? And then it does. It moves on. We move on. The world moves on even if we don't.
Things happen in my day and I think of her. Little things... like how I can't bring myself to change the contact name in my phone to delete her name. How when she was around there were plenty of photos, but now that there will never be another new photo, there doesn't seem to be enough of the old ones.
I just celebrated a fantastic Thanksgiving and Hanukkah with my parents in Denver (our first one there... ever? It's been ages since I've been home for Thanksgiving...). There were lots of tears of sadness, but we spent a fair amount of time looking towards the future, too. We will move on. But moving on means nothing about forgetting.
A novel later... This year was a whirlwind. I remember it in a few poignant pieces and the rest is a blur of emotions. And I cannot wait for the relief of 2014 to come. Where new whirlwinds and emotions await; a time when I can move on without forgetting, but without always feeling, too. To a time when I can remember without the hurt of missing her. Or when I can recall the incredible trip to Israel without always tying it to the loneliness of being at home afterwards. That's the only thing 2014 can really promise us, isn't it? The progression of time.
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